Tuesday, December 18, 2012

A beautiful light

I know it's hard to think about beauty right now.  Especially for those of us who live so close to the latest ugliness.  We, these same folks also have connections to 9-11 being less than an hour and a half from the city.

As I started to put this post together in my head, I thought, "Where do I start?".  I can tell you that very beautiful things started coming into my life about 9 years ago when the art came back into this house.  But could I honestly tell you that in the twenty years of living in a wasteland that there was no beauty at all?  No, I can't say that.  Out of 9-11 came the trip to Nightwatch.  I saw the inside and outside of one of the most stunning edifices dedicated to the worship of the Divine, St. John's Cathedral in NY.  There I met young people and their chaperons from Newtown and Sandy Hook.  One dad was an EMT who had been place on-call after 9-11 as all the lower Fairfield County emergency service people had been sent to Manhattan.  Together we learned songs, shared the Holy Eucharist and wandered the gardens.  In the daylight we watched the residents of Harlem sit on the stoop and talk over coffee, sweep their sidewalks and drink in the unusual quiet of the city.  That was 2001.

In 1984 and again in 1985, I was a part of the most beautiful process the Goddess designed, childbirth. My beautiful babies are still beautiful.  So many beautiful moments of their lives thus far; graduations, concerts, plays, snowboarding, dancing, writing, and laughter.  Yes, laughter is such a gorgeous medium we can create with.  And there was the natural art of sunrises, sunsets, waves at the beaches in NJ and FL, flowers naturally growing in some places and planted in others.  To this day I still look forward to the blooming of my Bleeding Heart.

Beauty versus ugly.  Another aspect of the line that has been drawn deeper and deep over the last thirty years.  It is the same people on either side of the line no matter what parameters you give it.  In this case most have chosen their side but there are also those who have been forced to the ugly side.  The powerful wish to maintain the power and the status quo.  It has gotten progressively harder, mainly due to this creation that I am writing on...computers.  Not the first time man has created something that had ramifications that would backfire on the world.  But this time the added feature would benefit man rather than destroy him like the unleashing of the atom.  Those born with a natural affinity for numbers would decide once they figured out how to make the box "think", to teach it how to communicate with other boxes and the humans operating them.  Through this communication explosion we would learn that there were others out there who also had a knack for numbers.  Some would use the force for what has been labeled "evil" but hackers aren't bad.  They are pointing out the weaknesses of the system.  They also shut down the "powerful".  Yes, some of us feel the backlash when our home computers get viruses but we're not the ones hackers are after. We're collateral damage and it is damage I will accept as I am 1) still alive after the fact and can buy a new hard-drive while bitching about losing photos, blog posts, etc. that I was too dumb or lazy to remember to back-up.

It is all this communication and hacking that has the Powerful scared and why they have been working overtime to keep "Us" in check.  It's a hard job that they've been at since the beginning of time.  They know that one day we would figure out how many more of the us there are than of the them. We can overpower them very easily if we all got together and made the plan.  We're doing that now.  And what does the them have to do to slow us down?  Shut down the internet.  In the Middle East, the rebels opted for communication they knew...social networks.  Yes, governments shut them down but not until after the damage was done.  The rebels have been winning in confrontation after confrontation and it is because the mainly young people in their ranks are so communication savvy.

Another form of communication that is gaining momentum is the arts.  There is an emergence of street painters, underground musicians and performers and self-publishing writers.  They are on the side of beauty for sure and have changed my life drastically for the better.  But never forget, all the arts are forms of communication and they speak of the human condition, spirituality and politics.  One of my favorite artists is Mear One.  He is not a favorite of bankers, corporate fat cats or politicians.  He is telling a story of stark truth and calling for rebellion in stunning paintings.

Back to those on the "Ugly" side not there of their own volition but due to the control process.  In the 60's and 70's the psych industry was born.  All of the sudden a damn broke allowing free speech about mental health.  But that opened a floodgate that in the end seems to have done more harm than good. The "warm fuzzies" of "I'm OK-You're OK" were painted thickly over the "cold pricklies" of transactional analysis so we missed the fact that governments and corporations bought into "set them free. We can provide chronically anti-social, emotionally and/or mentally dysfunctional people a "normal" life through the wonderful world of medication.  Except that in the bug bin, there were medical personnel who insured that this folks TOOK those meds regularly.  They could control the environment so these unfortunate folks didn't end up in a room in a boarding house, unemployed, hungry, confused and depressed to the point that not only did they try to take their own life but they thought fire would be a great form of suicide and almost burned the boarding house to the ground.  Mental institutions, no matter how grizzly have been a part of human history for a long time and it's because fellow humans recognized that some people just cannot function in the real world.  Today we'd allow the Marquis d'Sade to wander the streets of Manhattan and assume he had taken his medication and did not have an iron maiden in the basement of his apartment building then be horrified when we learned about all the bodies he'd been dumping in the East River.  At that point we would send the Marquis to a regular prison because no one can commit him to Bellevue for life. For those who don't know, most state facilities had a separate ward for the "criminally insane".  These folks were not put in the regular prison population because doctors knew that that was not safe for other prisoners or prison personnel.  Now we put people who would have resided quietly in facility where they had a pleasant room, activities and monitoring by trained professionals into a prison where anything could set them off, where they are being punished for being sick...they could be beautiful but the system has made them ugly.

Even the Goddess is feeling less than beautiful since Friday.  The skies here have been gray.  The temperature has hovered in the mid-40's.  I can't light my Yule candles outside due to the rain.  The ugly has sucked the joy out of Yule, Christmas and Hanukkah here.  No, "god" did not call those children or the adults home.  It wasn't "their time".  One little girl was a cancer survivor.  Mother had more plans for that child.  No this was a cold act of the Darkness.  It is the ugly trying to control the beautiful with fear...the ugly's greatest weapon.  What's really scary to we Children of the Light is that there are a lot of uglies who believe they are the beautiful and that they speak the message of The Light.  They have deceived many of the beautiful to their camp.  I feel kind of bad when they find out they were working for the wrong side.  It will be too late.  They will be too far gone to join our side.  They will die ugly on so many levels.

The good news is that the beautiful will win.  When the dust settles and the smoke clears we will join together where ever we ended up, covered in dirts, bleeding and exhausted and we will watch the sunrise and be filled with the beauty of Mother's natural art.  The purest art.  The most original art.  Some of us, who still have voices will sing or chant.  Some will clap out a beat.  We along with the fauna will make a joyful noise.  We will welcome the Beautiful Age.  But for now we must stay strong and look hard for the tiny bits of Light especially leading up to the Convergence.  Turn off the TV and the radio.  Stay away from "news" websites. Use you computer or your phone to talk to friends.  Find the Light and the Beauty.  Treasure a snowflake if it falls where you are.  Wade knee-deep into the ocean, raise your arms and praise Mother and Father if you are in warmer climates.  Reach out with your spirit and find the Light.  Stand strong.  BE BEAUTIFUL.

Saturday, October 20, 2012

A revelation on organized religion

Let me start with "Yes, I do believe in higher powers".  I am spiritual.  No longer religious.  Today I cast off any remaining "Christian" identification I may have espoused.  Why you ask?

Two reasons.  The first is merely the revelation that religious text are a fraud manufactured by imperfect humans like myself.  Being fallible they wrote numerous errors into these text and never went back and corrected them.  Let's start with Mosaic law.  In every version of the Old Testament or Torah I have heard or read, the commandment reads "Thou shall not kill".  However if one delves further into the Pentateuch there are laws that require people to stone adultresses, murder their insubordinate teens, and roast anyone who does not profess in the Hebrew god.  Again, the commandment does not say "Thou shall not kill unless..."  But we can go all the way back to Genesis where the writer begins speaks of the creators, plural.  However, it is an individual, jealous, bratty, selfish god that takes one male human into a special part of the one of the newly created planets and creates his mate from his rib then teases them with knowledge only to punish them for not wanting to be ignorant their whole lives.  Add to this the fact that the first thing they notice with the "knowledge of the Universe" is that they are naked.  Really?  I'd be more interested in now knowing all the species of trees, animals, origins of the stars AND THE FACT THAT THERE ARE ALREADY OTHER PEOPLE ON THIS PLANET. What!?  How can I say that?  Have you never finished reading the Cain and Abel story?  Cain gets sent to Nod as his punishment and apparently there are other people there.  So we must assume then that other divine beings created other human/human-like creatures.  Some of these groups were matriarchal, polytheistic and thriving.

The second revelation was brought home to me today.  Organized religion is about ORGANIZATION.  A defined set of rules to govern its followers.  However, mainly in the case of monotheistic, Judaism based doctrine, are based in the theology that man must never look for the spiritual power within himself.  He must use "god" as a crutch.  That god will never approve of his life choices, his accomplishments or his sacrifices.  He will always fall short.  Thus a great part of the human population, for hundreds of thousands of years, has indeed fallen short by blindly forfeiting their spiritual wealth and power to shills who sought only to control their fellow man.

A truly spiritual person, who recognizes the divine and sacred spirits of the air, fire, earth and water, treats these elements with respect.  They worship the beauty and gifts that have been presented them each day.  They give credence to the existence of supernatural beings that keep themselves hidden from mankind for self-preservation.  They reach into their core and bonding with the elements, use the strength they have been blessed with to protect, defend, and nurture creation.  They do not accept it as "sin" to believe that they can work together with the gods and spirits.  However, they usually subscribe to "First do no harm" in all rituals and actions.

So open your mind, heart and soul to the "voices" around you.  The Fates reside here with you and wish you to be free.  They pray their own prayers that man will stop allowing himself to be bamboozled by those who follow spirits of greed, arrogance, selfishness and manipulation.  The spirits of Light long for us to break free and work together in charity, justice, humility and peace.  This will result in real love.  Agape. Love without lines, walls, moats or rules.  A love where we are all the same.  A love that requires a hell of a lot of work but one that is possible.

To my friends who subscribe to doctrines that continue to drain you of your personal spiritual life and power, I hope you will awaken some day.  I pray you will release the energy within yourself and let it spread over the walls, through the moats and across the lines that were drawn by our predecessors.  May you join the dragon army in the coming conflict and fight for peace, justice, and kindness with a humble heart.  We all fear that which is new but we must draw on our spiritual courage to overcome the fear and not only ride the wave of change but be the change.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

It gets better

If you'd told me ten years ago I'd be where I am now, I'd have told you you were full of shit. Actually ten years ago my life was in the midst of it's biggest upheaval in twenty years.

April 21st, 2002:  I had bought a house two years earlier.  What had started as a "we" project had ended up a "me" project like it always had.  I did all the leg work, used my GI loan guarantee.  There'd been promises of second jobs and rooms being finished off, blah, blah, blah  followed by all the excuses I'd been listening to for 17 years.  One year in an old face had popped back into my life and I thought I'd finally found my "happily ever after".  2002 wound up being a year of change and unpleasant surprises.  I ended it totally alone and doubly heart broken.  I'd survived a meltdown and now had that one quietly settled in college.  The other one also fell apart after having two people move out of their life in the same year.  I tried to be the stalwart one while crying myself to sleep every night.  But like the song says, my soul was ok.  I knew I wasn't a failure for not having an s.o. to validate me.  I had my kids, my parents and my extended family.  I lost friends but it was my own fault.  I just couldn't deal.  Others were moved out of my life by non-friends who successfully turned my one safe haven into a battlefield and made me and the other kids the enemy.  We all left.

Let me go back further though to frame how it got to that point.  You don't have to be gay to be bullied, picked-on, put down, etc.  In grammar school I was the weird kid.  My parents, gods bless them, had no idea how to socialize a child.  Fortunately they on had one to ruin...me.  I was awkward.  My mom dressed me weird.  I was smart but I was also very social.  The note on my report card was the same every...single...marking period "Kathleen is a good student who could do much better".  The rest was, basically, she talks too much.  What that boiled down to was trying to get people to like me.  Instead it just made them laugh at me more.

Jr High, today known as Middle School, was worse. I'd learned from the few kids that did talk to me that certain things were just not done.  I pleaded with my mother not to make me wear white bobby socks.  She told me "Don't be ridiculous".  I ended up being laughed at more along with being physically accosted over it.  Of course, by then, I knew my mother didn't listen which meant she really didn't care.  Totally humiliated things went from bad to worse when my dad got transferred and I had to move in the middle of 8th grade.  The new town was very different and I was immediately labeled an outcast because I was from a more upscale area (no, my family is middle, middle class).  I also was curve-busting on quizzes and tests because I'd had all this material in 6th grade.  Add the ever increasing hormone level and the intense pressure to be coupled?  Oh, this was getting more fun by the minute.

High school was merely the icing on the cake.  No one asked me out.  I missed both my proms in an era where there was still a huge stigma attached to it.  I was a music geek and a theater nerd.  I was still smart and not overly pretty.  Looking back though the two sanctuaries I had were the music room and the auditorium.  That where we nerds gathered to lick each others wounds.  But I still felt the extreme pressure to be coupled.

All this imprinting carried on into my post-high school, early adult life.  I became a bit of a slut just to say I had male attention.  I did a lot of things I won't talk about here.  It all ended very badly when I met my ex.  Initially he was a tool to exit another bad situation I'd been in for a few years.  However, I mistook the whole mess for love and married him.  Then I did what I was made to feel over all those years and procreated.  To say I'm the worst candidate for motherhood is an understatement.  But I do excel at survival and so the child had a warm, safe place to live, clean clothes that fit, food in their belly and someone to tuck them in with a story every night.

I spent 30 years surviving.  Always doing what others made me feel I was supposed to do to be validated as a human female.  Thank the Fates my kids set me free from that in 2004.  By then I had completed the divorce, owned MY house (which was MY house from the beginning), started paying off credit cards, had the nasty wound created by that old friend start to heal (there's still an ugly scar over my heart today) and was able to sit down and take a breath.  When I exhaled I saw and heard really good music coming out of my TV and my kids' iPods.  The younger one's guitar and trombone playing were getting better.  The older one was halfway to an arts degree.  The color had come back into my life.

Since then I've fallen down this amazing rabbit hole full of even more amazing people and experiences.  It really does get better no matter how old you are.  But you do have to do your part to get there.  I could have been okay with just being a music fan and gone to a lot of live shows but it was getting expensive.  Also I wanted to help my favorite artists get more recognition but after two years of promoting for free, I kinda wanted some compensation for all that work.  I just started following the path of breadcrumbs.  Today I have met and had great conversations with big names and the up and coming.  I have all kinds of new friends and I'm not done yet.  My bucket list is full of wonderful experiences, places and people.  I never allow myself to accept "no" from my inner voice.  I'm not saying that sometimes I am met with scary challenges but I push through them and then end up very grateful on the other side.  Those pushes have, so far, have resulted in some of my most positive moments.

Hang in there.  It does get better but you have to take some responsibility.  Don't wait for anyone to hand it to you.  Beat yourself up a little.  Tell yourself you're strong, that you're tough, that you're talented.  Truly do not care what people say about you.  Don't care if they like you.  You will waste a great life trying to live up to other's expectations of you, even your own parents.  Be the you that produces the brightest colors, the most perfect harmonies between your brain, your heart and your spirit.  Screw everyone else.  At that point your life will not only be better, it will be the closest thing to perfect and you will attract people and they will like you.