Is it enough to make it better?

It Gets Better...

Really? Dan Savage started the "It Gets Better" campaign shortly after the fifth in a series of publicized suicides of kids who were bullied for their sexual orientation. However, I wonder, as one who was bullied for being from another town originally and dressing differently, is "It Gets Better" enough to give children in grammar and middle school and young adults in high school and college the courage and the stamina to live with daily taunting and threats to not at the least consider physically fighting back if not taking their own lives to escape this? Mr. Savage and the rest of his organization need to understand that this constant derision can set off triggers in kids that lead to clinical depression and knowing that, on average, 180 days out of every year they must face this treatment is more than enough to set off a reaction that does not appear rational to a mentally and emotionally healthy person but seems like the only response at the time to some suffering from depression or other neurosis.

Today I read of another series of tragedies that has taken place over the past four years in the same town, Mentor, OH. One child harassed for being a Croatian immigrant, one for a learning disability, one for being assumed gay and the fourth a combination of social awkwardness but also fueled by a poor home situation. The last one experts are not stating was based on bullying but did nothing to investigate the family issues and over the next two years both remaining children in the household also took their own lives.

While the results of bullying are finally making headlines, we are sorely pressed to go back over the numbers and determine how many young people found the predatory nature of school social life so overwhelming that suicide became more and more inviting every day. As a mother of a child who was not only bullied but put in a different school system due to a letter that was added to his school record by the principal when he was in fifth grade based on requirements of the anti-bullying protocol set out by the local board of education, I speak from experience. My son was the victim of a typically cagey bully, female I might add, who timed her verbal attacks so that she was not the one caught when the teacher rounded the corner. It was my son who was heard saying, "Leave me alone or I'll kill you." The principal ignored the "Leave me alone" part and focused on the "I'll kill you" based on the lies spewed by the girl that she had never harassed or threatened my son.

The bullying escalated to racist slurs when my son moved to a middle school in a nearby city where white kids were the minority. Fortunately some administrators and faculty members were more astute than the principal and put kids in their places when racial slurs were heard. He also still was taunted for being overweight, from out of town and overly sociable. Finally came high school where the racism was far more blatant and not only condoned by the principal, she herself participated in it. She also did nothing to protect LGBTQ kids in an ARTS HIGH SCHOOL!! One of my son's best friends was an out queer and a drag queen at the age of fourteen. Add to this my son being cyberbullied? "It Gets Better"?

I believe the only reason my son made it through was the fact that I was observant and he likes to talk. I made myself available to both my kids from the beginning so they generally came to me with things. When his sister left for college and their father moved out, the signs of a growing depression I'd been vaguely aware of since he was about eight became more prominent and I offered the option of talking to a therapist. We did a few sessions together and he did a couple on his own. Between that, getting out of this town, finding three excellent mentors in his new school and one in high school, my son grew a relatively thick hide. However, he did come home often and share the pain of being a target.

If the "It Gets Better" videos had been around then would they have made it easier for him? I don't know. I know as a college freshman he has watched some and they have affected him. He has a very tender heart and so some of them have brought tears to his eyes and broken that heart some. As someone who aspires to work in the entertainment industry it does mean a lot to him to hear celebrities telling him to "hang in there".

However, I think it takes more. "It Gets Better" is a great message but when you are in the middle of this day in and day out, what you want is for it to stop. When you are trying to validate yourself and determine who you want to be when you grow up, it's really hard when people are constantly telling you that your broken, a freak, fat, ugly, stupid, the "wrong" color, or the "wrong" sexual orientation. And now with the internet, the harassment doesn't stop after the kids get off the bus. It comes via Facebook, Myspace, Twitter and text messages. Providing bullies with media that they can be practically completely anonymous and attack at all hours of the day or night has only made this problem worse. It's also easier for kids who wouldn't normally do so to join in because they too can disguise their identities.

For It To Get Better will take more. It always has. We need to get back to the days when parents taught their kids that being a bully or just making a single unkind remark to someone who is different is not socially acceptable. Parents need to get back to parenting and teach kids about respect. Parents need to monitor their kids on line and on the phone. If they discover their children using the Internet or their cell phone to harass another child...TAKE THEM AWAY!! It is not going to put your kid in the state mental hospital if you lock up the laptop, pull the plug from the desktop or take away their cell phone. "But Sally needs the computer for school". So? She can still use all the word processing, presentation and spreadsheet programs if you unplug the modem and the router. Make her go to the library and use their Internet. Or start small and buy some Net Nanny software and block social networking sites. Seriously, you're the parent...grow a pair. As for schools? Most have sites blocked that kids shouldn't be on at school anyway. Administrators need to monitor themselves, faculty and security to insure that they are not protecting bullies...and YES that does happen. Think about it. Example-a meathead rent-a-cop who couldn't make it into the police academy already has that chip on his shoulder. Give him the gum machine badge and uniform and put him in the hallways of an urban high school. He witnesses kids picking on the girl with braces, the short African-American boy or the overweight guy that's kind of flamboyant. Who do you think this guy is going to side with? If he defends the kids getting taunted he feels that the perpetrators are going to see him as weak. He wants to be tough like them. So he lets them go and may even laugh at their victims along with them.

Kids need advocates in the schools. In a time when boards of education are worried about budget cuts, how hard is it to accept parents or other adults willing to volunteer a day or two every month to patrol the halls and come to the aid of the victims and/or hold meetings with students to first explain to them about respect, treating people the way they want to be treated and loving themselves? Allow outside adults who offer the chance to be advisers so the students can start a SAGA chapter in their school. If there is one and has a faculty adviser, then the rest of the staff needs to support it and publicize it and back their events. Provide for other social organizations that improve self-esteem for various groups whether race related, interest related, etc. Don't put such an emphasis on athletics. I'm not saying don't provide sports teams but offer other options for kids who just aren't jocks. Chess club, math club, drama club and then help them thrive so that the members can go to events outside of their school. Also allow them to create events that they can invite outsiders to to show off their accomplishments. Being a nerd can be really cool. Being Asian can be beautiful. Being a skateboarder can be exciting.

It can get better but I believe it takes a lot more than external videos by celebs most of these kids will never meet. Yes, Neil Patrick Harris, Tim Gunn, Chris Colfer, Ellen Degeneres, etc. are fabulous role models to LGBTQ kids. Personally I'd also like to see some entertainers I'm aware of doing vids on being picked on for being the smart kids, the fat kids, the wimpy kids and the kids with glasses/braces. There are some great Hispanic, black, Asian and East Indian role models who can do these videos. But it takes more. It takes people coming into schools and being with students one-on-one to make it real for them. It takes parents listening and talking to their kids. It takes social workers and therapists giving victims tools to fight back without becoming bullies themselves. It takes someone to make the bully look inside himself or herself and face the weakness they are hiding by projecting it on to someone else.

We all have fears. Most of them are unwarranted. Just yesterday I dealt with mine of people who look different. As one who was bullied I'd never demean them for physical or mental challenges but it is hard for me to treat them just like I'd treat myself. I worked hard on getting past that. And then I noticed that the mentally challenged woman who bagged my groceries did a far better job then most of the able-minded high schoolers who normal pack my stuff. It humbled me. It raised a bit of shame in me as it should have. We all need to teach each other that the proper way to deal with fear is to educate ourselves. If you can't bring yourself to talk to that person, just don't say anything but still nod and smile. It's a start. If you don't agree with someone's opinion don't yell them into submission, talk to them and find out why they feel that way and why you don't. If someone is different don't physically assault them to make yourself feel somehow superior. Tell yourself it's ok to be afraid of things you don't understand. Ignorance is not bliss especially if you follow a theological tradition of a deity that created people in its own image. If you use that "god" as your weapon of choice to assault people with, it is the supreme act of disrespect of that divine being who gave you a working brain and hopes that you'll use it for something more than a hat rack or an engine to conjure new manners to spew hate.

So Dan? My hat's off to you for coming up with another weapon in the newly growing arsenal against hate and harassment. But understand it needs more substance behind it. For sexual orientation issues GLESN has come up with curriculum addendum to teach students about sexual orientation issues. Other organizations to check out:

Make It Better
Not In Our Town

Stop Cyberbullying

And here is the homepage for Dan's It Gets Better YouTube Channel:
It Gets Better

Your argument is invalid - The NOH8 trial

The past few days I have been following The Advocate's live tweets from the NOH8 trials.  Today the testimony just completely blew my mind as far as it's total lack of intelligent thought processes and conclusions.  I know, I do not have a college degree.  I took a half year of Sociology my Senior year in high school and zero Psych courses but still I know that all I kept hearing today was "1+1 = fish".

Why are churches getting involved in the politics of civil rights?  Gay "marriage" is a fight for government and legal recognition not a church ceremony.  The LGBT community wants nothing more than the same tax breaks a heterosexual couple gets for having a "marriage license" on file at the local town hall along with job protection, health benefits and legal protection of their estates for their partners and children.  There a millions of Americans who are "married" in civil ceremonies by justices of the peace.  There is no religious value at all, just the sealing of the document they just signed that gives them governmental and legal sanction of their couplehood.  Just like having an affidavit witnessed by an officer of the court.  They ask all the requisite questions and you both sign the document and the notary seals it.

No branch of the U.S. government nor any state or local agency can mandate that a church perform a religious ceremony of any kind including weddings.  They only require that clergy also be certified as Justices of the Peace so they can legally witness the marriage license. (see comment below-this is not necessarily a true fact. CT does not require JP status for clergy.  Feel free to post your state's statutes on this.  Thank you) It's very frustrating that Christians and Jews can not seem to differentiate between "marriage" and "wedding".  I'm not sure what Muslims call their coupling ritual so I apologize for not including it. 

Then to take it a step further.  Religious groups want to bring this into a "family" realm by stating that same sex marriage destroys the American family.  Really?  If a child is raised in a loving household, has parents who make sure they are safely housed and sent to school every day and living within the law, what's the issue?  How about deadbeat dads and men who have just abdicated as parents/bread winners?  From personal experience I think they do more damage to families.  And while we're casting stones, there are numerous Catholic organizations fighting gay "marriage" who are sitting back saying nothing about the pedophiles within their clergy.  Don't you think that puts a far bigger strain on a family and children if parents protect the person who is molesting their kids?  Just sayin' people.  And as a single-parent I beg the court's indulgence by asking how is my situation any stronger family unit than a same-sex pair raising kids?  Hey!  They have the advantage of two incomes and the probability of one of them being physically and emotionally available to their children more often that I do.

So lets go back to same-sex marriage having a negative affect on heterosexual marriages.  How?  Because less LGBT's will hide in a straight marriage because of the social and psychological strain of living out?  Or because they will show straight couples up with the longevity of their relationships.  They don't have to wait for a major family issue to stress their relationship because they have a huge stress-factor going in...being LGBT people.  They've already lived their lives before they were a couple with all the problems and stigma that come the fact of realizing they're not "normal".  Then to make it a non-traditional coupling.  Twice the stress.  So they tend to do very good with the bumps and bruises that come with keeping a relationship vibrant and healthy.  Many same-sex couples stay together for life and have a better track record of doing so than straights.  And if they do split that is no reason for self-righteous straights to go "Oh look.  See they are promiscuous"  Bull shit!! What about your 14-year-old slut daughter you let out of the house in a mini-skirt and tank top that has more than one condom in her purse or your spouse whose had a mistress for the past ten years?

Which brings us to the family thing.  First, I'll pick up from the last paragraph...straight does not equal good parents.  Done!  Second, straight parents can produce gay children.  In fact most LGBT kids come out of heterosexual homes.  As for same-sex couples only producing LGBT kids?  Really?  Come on.  Really?  If sexuality is genetic (which I do believe) any child of a gay or lesbian couple, has a parent of the opposite sex. Lesbians will have a sperm donor or will adopt.  Gay men will have a surrogate mother or will adopt.  The conceived children will have the genes of both its parents and their family history so even if the sperm donor or surrogate are also genetically identified as non-heterosexual that parent's parents and the member of the same-sex couple providing the sperm or egg may carry the heterosexual gene and based on historic figures, the resulting child is more apt to be bisexually or heterosexually identified than homosexually.

As far as socialization, just because a child is raised in a gay home doesn't mean they'll be gay.  More likely just more healthily tolerant.  Kids go to school.  They know there are more kids from straight households or single-parent households than from homes like theirs with two moms or two dads.  Of course with the current social climate they will be made to feel different, weird, etc. by fellow students, faculty and administration even though they shouldn't be.  As for the two moms or two dads raising their kids to be LGBT?  Trust me, not even gay parents wish that on their kids and the kids will experience it first hand before they go to school in the way that other people treat their parents.  So for me...if anything a same-sex parented family is stronger, more tolerant, and has a better grasp on how the Divine wishes this world would work.  Wanna play the "God card" religious people?  Gay/Lesbian households are living closer to your scriptures than you are because they are not teaching their kids to build walls or barriers or create labels for other people.  They're teaching them to forgive and understand and love people even in those people's ignorance. 

To the witnesses in this trial...your argument is invalid.  If run through simple tests of validity or just common sense, they don't hold water.  So just stop wasting taxpayers money.  Taxpayers?  Leave your religious crap at the door when voting for legislatures.  Providing any minority with the same freedoms you enjoy in "the land of the free" is just the right thing to do no matter what Higher Power you subscribe to.  The LGBT community is not harming you.  They are not robbing your house or burning it down.  They are not stealing your stuff.  They are not physically harming you or your children.  Validating them and their rights does not mean they're going to try to "turn" your kids.  Your children are in far more danger from pedophiles, rapists and kidnappers.  No!  Your kids are far more apt to get hit by a car or succumb to alcohol poisoning in an evening of underage drinking you sanctioned in your basement.  Your children are more susceptible to  STD's from playing at unprotected sex with a member of the opposite gender.  Your daughters are at a higher risk of becoming pregnant before they turn 18 than discovering they are lesbians.  Your sons have a higher probability of going to jail for possession of illegal drugs, dui, or causing a major accident by driving recklessly than facing that he gender-identifies as female and starts the agonizing journey of a transsexual.  Your arguments are invalid.

"Itsy bitsy.........teeny weeny................little bitty............" GOD!!

Excuse me but whatever happened to "For God so loved the WORLD" and "love your neighbor as yourself" and "do unto (ALL) others as you would have them do unto you" and "what you did for the LEAST of these you did for ME!"? Huh?

These are big, bold, broad statements.  If you go through the Bible, Qu'ran, Torah, because I'm going to focus on the Big Three/One God theologies right now, this Divine Being is pretty huge and it created THE WHOLE UNIVERSE and EVERYTHING in it.  So why do people who follow these three doctrines work so hard to put this HOLY CREATOR into smaller and smaller boxes every day?

It hit me a couple of days ago when I read about pending legislation in Uganda to execute gays and lesbians.  It caused another thought to rise up in me that I had considered a few weeks back...there are still parts of this country where interracial marriage is illegal.  Although we've gotten a little less barbaric in the past fifty years it was not uncommon for one or both members of an interracial couple to be murdered for marrying the person they loved.  Heck, they would be beaten or killed just for walking down the street hand in hand.

The thought broadened to the resurgence of Neo-Nazism in this country.  Although the KKK seems to be "so last year", there are still way too many (any more than zero) hate groups in the U.S. who will not stop short of violence against Jews, queers, non-Caucasians, non-WASPs and the really alarming part is that they can justify this stuff with "Christian" scripture.  WHAT?

In the Old Testament we get those "10 Rules for healthy living"...all of us Judeo-Christian kids had them memorized by the time we were eight.  There is one in particular though that mankind seems to have this constant habit of adding an "if" or a "but" to...the "thou shall not kill" one.  Yeah, that one.  Now add to that this train of thought I'm on right now..."God", "Goddess", "Great Spirit", etc.- whatever you call that enormous Divine Universal Creating and Ruling Power is just that....HUUUUGE!!!  And it's benevolent.  It really wants us to "get it".  It loves us.  So sometimes it sends signs to show us the way.  We usually do a pretty good job of ignoring those signs....things like the Holocaust to remind us that hate is just not part of the plan.  "God" created each and every one of us so who are we to say that any race, religion, culture, sexuality or socio-economic status is any better or worse that the other?  I love how I hear "fundies" declaring how God is the one true judge and yet they are the first to start judging everyone that doesn't go to their church. hmmmm

Last night I read a lovely spew of hate in, of all places that bastion of intelligent journalism, The Wall Street Journal.  The author, Peggy Noonan, posted the question at the end of "Have we become a more vulgar country?".  Now to put this in context, the entire article (which you can read here if you have a strong constitution "The Adam Lambert problem" ) Ms. Noonan is trying to take the focus off the current economic problems in this country and place all of our woes on the shoulders of a 27 year old rising pop star based on an event that occured weeks ago.  I found myself at first enraged and then utterly  amused by the ignorance of this "journalist".  If we want to talk vulgar let's go back to those "kinder, gentler times of the 40's and 50's that she compares the present to.  Signs still hung in restaurants, pubic transporation and restrooms declaring "Whites Only".  Schools were still segragated.  Girls who got pregnant out of wedlock were disowned by their families resulting in runaways or worse...suicide.  Catholics where not allowed to run for the presidency.  Jews tended to keep to themselves and try to remain out of the public eye, still more than a little gunshy after the Holocaust. And women were shamed out of the workplace and back into the home "where they belonged" when the troops returned from the war.  But these things were not "vulgar"?  I beg to differ.

"Red and yellow, black and white.  They are precious in His sight.  Jesus love the little children of the world."  And he still loves us even when we are big, old, rich, poor, queer, Jew, Muslim, Buddhist, fat, skinny, boy or girl children.  I always loved that shirt that said "I'm OK.  God don't make junk!"  There are lots of people in this world that I don't like but I have to love them.  Sometimes that love means putting you in rehab, a mental institution or jail.  Sometimes that love means telling you "no" or "wait".  And sometimes that love means taking that extra $10 I just came into and buying a meal for a runaway teenager.  So people?  Quit trying to justify your hate, fear and anger by blaming it on The Divine...it just brings that Being down below your level and it's no longer a Sacred Creator but a little piss-ant under your shoe.  You can't put God in a box.  And you can't deny that He/She/It loves the Jew sitting next to you on the bus, the East Indian that sold you your last six-pack, the homeless kid that asked you for a buck or the gay man who does your hair nor can you say that any of these people have less of a right to walk this planet than you do.

The face (and heart) of my friend Rev. Matt

I've asked my friend Rev. Matt McCaffrey to guest blog for me today.  Knowing that the congregation he is currently shepherding has taken "Open & Affirming" to a new level, I know he is someone who can give you some real life insight into agape...unconditional love.  

MamaKath asked me to meditate on what it’s like to be part of a Christian church that “goes beyond doing just the LGBT thing.” This guest entry reflects my meditations.

About me: I am an ordained minister in the United Church of Christ (here in New England, mostly the white-steeple churches on every town green), and have been since 1988. I specialize in transitional ministry, serving churches where the settled pastor has left for a new call or retired (or sometimes worse), and helping them reclaim who they are while they seek new leadership. Since 1993 I’ve served nine congregations in different roles, and my state “conference” as minister of communication.

Being with a church during change is sometimes challenging, but it’s also cool because people know I’m not staying. That gives us freedom to try out new things and push some boundaries where they need to be pushed. I’ve found that, above all, people in the churches I serve are looking for love and reassurance that God accepts them. It’s my job to remember that.

I’ve been at Mansfield Center for about a year. UCC churches decide individually on…well, just about everything…but particularly on the kinds of faith stances they will take. This church declared itself “Open and Affirming” in 1991. Then and now, the ONA stance is understood by UCC churches to mean that LGBT folks are welcomed equally with everyone else who walks through the doors and participates in the church’s life and ministry. Churches who go through the ONA process and vote on it are very conscious about that meaning; maybe even self-conscious.  Things change over time, though. At some point Mansfield Center had a “Duh” moment, realizing that “Open and Affirming” meant something bigger than sexual orientation. Without detracting from the huge “chromosome barrier” that has kept so many loving people down, hidden, or away from church altogether, there are other barriers that are swept away by this statement: poverty, politics, physical ability, mental health, language.

When I started journeying with this church last October, I found that old and young were welcome. So were people with autism whose behavior would get them quietly excluded from many congregations. So is a family from Iraq, whose patriarch served as a translator for U.S. troops and therefore was living in constant danger along with his wife and seven children. This summer, the congregation agreed to sponsor them and they now worship with us regularly—bringing an Muslim flavor to our practice even as they take on a Christian flavor in theirs.

The ONA idea, still feared by some as “political,” has evolved into an agape practice in this church—and it fits well with my own outlook about what Jesus was trying to teach. God so loved the world that in ultimate generosity we were given the most precious thing God had. The rules and fences that humanity erected around that gift would have frustrated Jesus himself! They reflect our own fears and need for control, not the spirit of the gift of love God gave us.

I asked MamaKath to ask me five questions, and I’d do my best to answer them. So, here’s her interview:

MK:  When & how did you feel the call to at least attempt "agape" love?

MM: Probably before I’d heard the word or knew what it meant. Like many members of the United Church of Christ, I grew up in that other big brand-name hierarchical faith expression, and felt the call to be a priest when I was maybe 12 years old. A year or so later, hormones kicked in and I figured out why that call would be such a problem for me. (Hint: celibacy seems pretty unnatural to me.) It was my first experience of the conflict between God’s all-encompassing love and human attempts to “improve” it by putting restrictions on it.

MK:  Do you see your ministry as an effort to lead others to practicing unconditional love?

MM:  Without question. Many of the places where I’ve been called to transitional work have little tensions and resentments bubbling just under the surface. There are folks who would figuratively lay down their lives for the pastor who just left, and others who are saying under their breath (and sometimes out loud) “Good-bye, and don’t let the door hit your butt on the way out.” They hope the interim pastor (me) is going to do a “clean sweep” and get the “right people” into positions of influence. Hah! The kind of clean sweep I try to model is an inclusive one: clearing out the relationship clutter to make it possible for the right people and the other right people to be at the same table and talking again. I have taken my lumps from antagonistic people who are mad because I don’t feel particularly called to kiss their butts, but I also find that naming things for what they are tends to make room for love, respect, and healing.

MK:  What does the following mean to you: "Life isn't easy but it should be simple."

MM:  Ah, the essay!
Fewer meetings and more encounters. Fewer agendas and more action. Fewer rules and more good behavior.

Look, we could spend the next hundred years (or until Hartford becomes a beachfront community, whichever comes first) culling the Bible and looking for proof that God is for or against “the queers,” “the cripples,” “the illegals,” or whoever else we choose to name. This is how the prejudices of ancient societies get carried forward into our day, and there are some people who say that “because you’re a minister, you have to uphold these things.”

Guess what? I don’t. I was ordained a minister of the Gospel, not a minister of the Bible. My vows do hold me to rigorous study of scripture, but that word “Gospel” is not synonymous with “Bible.” It means “Good News,” and that’s what it’s all about.

I’m not here to make life even more complicated for people whose lives are already fearsomely complicated by circumstances. I’m here to say that God loves each of us, no matter who we are, no matter where we are. I think that’s a pretty simple message. Pretty profound, too.

MK:  What are some of the things your current congregation is doing to open eyes & hearts to God and each other?

MM:  I have to start with their expanded view of what it means to be “open and affirming.” Not long after I arrived a couple of our Deacons (elected to help serve the congregation in worship) approached me and wanted to know how I felt about the autistic young adult whose random vocalizations are a big part of the atmosphere during worship. They were relieved when I said it was okay with me, as I figured he was expressing his appreciation of worship (and even the sermon!) in the best way available to him. They had made the decision some time ago that he was welcome, and had met with some resistance from members of the congregation who were afraid it would offend the pastor!

I would say it’s not so much specific things the congregation is doing, so much as the way in which the congregation approaches its work. When the Supreme Court of Connecticut announced its decision to affirm same-gender marriages last October, my first thought was to consult with the church leadership about whether changes in church policy were needed now to take the possibility of performing a same-gender marriage into account. Their response was: We adopted the open and affirming stance, so what’s the problem?
Exactly.

MK:  Is there a plan already in operation or on the drawing board to take this agape attitude beyond the congregation and into the surrounding communities? Do you feel that "putting a face on it" needs to part of the process?

MM:  Fareed and his family are the best example of that right now. While we have adopted the role of “church family” for them, resettling them in northeastern Connecticut has been a huge and expensive undertaking. We had a community fundraising festival for them this past summer that was intentionally put into the community’s lap. (Lots of great music, by the way!) We have brought other churches, community groups, and businesses into the mix. Yesterday we learned that a local auto dealer had donated a used and reconditioned minivan to the family, and one of the other churches in the area agreed to pay for insurance so the van could be registered and driven.  Fareed and his family brought a cake for fellowship time following worship; he told me that his wife called it a “birthday” cake. Why? For the “birth” of the minivan!
Another member of the church remarked on how pleasantly surprised he was that the family had been so well accepted into the church’s life and the community’s life. I’m not. Fareed, Fatima, and their beautiful children have put a compelling face on what it means to be Iraqi, and I think it has made an agape stance possible for people who would otherwise say “it’s impossible.”

[bio]
The Rev. Matt McCaffrey is an interim ministry specialist with the United Church of Christ, currently serving the First Church of Christ in Mansfield. He lives in Cheshire.

The face of my friend Mat Devine

This was not the blog I was going to write but I feel that it needs to be written today.  It speaks so profoundly of what this journal is about....putting a face on it.  Putting a face on another's trials to see how petty yours really are.  Putting a face on determination and commitment to a cause.  Putting a heart behind a face that might scare you cuz it's a little different.

This is my friend Mat's face:

This is my friend Mat's heart...I will carry it with me always:

A lot of people would find me and my friend Mat intimidating because we are different.  Mat wears eyeliner, has his nose and ears pierced and generally wears girls jeans and jackets.  He writes and plays rock music.  He usually smells a bit..ummmm...unbathed?  He takes amazing pictures and he also blogs (check out Racoon Society on my Blog Roll).   I'm looking forward to the day that my friend Mat actually writes a novel and then his memoirs.  Mat is also tattooed like me.  His tat is one word..."Courage".  He has a lot but he doesn't realize it most of the time.  My friend Mat has the most interesting collection of close friends....John Hughes Sr & Jr, Jared Leto, Billy Corrigan, Heaven Malone, Mili, Steven Smith and Bam Margera.  He has a library of books and movies that is phenomenal and the things he can rattle off from said books and films will make your head spin.

My friend Mat is intelligent, articulate, prolific, cultured, educated, wise behind his years, creative, funny, a pain in the ass, and has a heart bigger than the planet.  He writes his best songs in the dead of winter in the middle of the night on the Navy Pier in Chicago, the city he calls home.  I know he's originally from here in Connecticut and that a piece of his heart will always live in New York City.  He believes in ghosts.  He loves ooooold buildings inside and out.  He is incredibly respectful.  He is spiritual.  He's a little boy and he giggles.  He also cries and screams and wears his heart on his sleeve.

My friend Mat preaches tolerance.  I'd like to share some excerpts from a recent Q&A blog he posted when posed with a girl's question about her mom thinking rock music was satanic:

"You know the saying “Guns don’t kill people, guys with mustaches do.“ ? That’s how I feel about religion. Undersexed, miserable people like your mom ruin it. Religion itself is not inherently crazy. We’d all love answers to the unanswerable. I get it. Here we are, floating in space. It’s a terrifying mystery where we go from here. Everyone deserves the inalienable right to believe anything he/she wants. Faith is a good thing. -just don’t confuse it with fact. No one KNOWS what happens when we die, and anyone who claims to know is, at best, unhinged, at worst, very dangerous."

He goes on to give a really great list of arguments to support intelligent thought over brainwashed ignorance:

"As a backup, I’m always a fan of open, adult conversation. A difference of opinion and can lead to a healthy, non-argumentative debate. Such a convo would force her to defend her position.. and in doing so, expose the flaws in her logic. She’s likely the product of a country and generation that emphasized loyalty to your religious heritage over independent rational thought and self-expression. Be sensitive to that. Depending on her age, rewiring might be too painful to bear. You reach a point where the values you’ve established throughout your life are like a warm blanket.. even if they are wrong. Hopefully she isn’t brainwashed beyond repair. 

I even took the time to write you some Cliff's Notes for that convo:

1. Economics: What’s a band’s financial incentive to influence their fans to do bad things? If the power of suggestion in music is so overwhelming, wouldn’t it make more sense for a band to suggest that fans buy more albums? If I wrote a song called “Buy 20 Copies of Our Album Every Day,” would it work? Discuss.

2. Many of today’s largest religions have a great deal of gravity, not necessarily because of the validity of their claims, but because of a momentum gathered over thousands of years of history. Many religions predate the human invention of Satan: Hinduism, Zoroastrianism, Chinese Shamanism, Aboriginal Animism, etc… Are all religions equally legitimate and equally ridiculous? What makes one religion superior to another?

3. Ancient Mayans believed in an Underworld, and that human sacrifice could appease the gods and end a drought. Is that any more insane than what you believe? Discuss.

4. Anthony Comstock (1844-1915), was the founder of the New York Society for the Suppression of Vice. Is he a villain or hero? Discuss.

5. Some people may claim that it is arrogant and narcissistic for one to believe that an all-powerful deity, who created the universe and bends time and space, could possibly have an interest in what CD your daughter listens to. How would you respond?

6. If indeed rock music is Satanic, then what else is?

Is Sex? Is beauty? Is Food? Is all pleasure? Where is the line, and who is authorized to draw it? Discuss.

7. What do Joan of Arc, Beethoven, Wagner, The Doors and Kieth Richards all have in common? All were considered “Satanic” at one time in history. Clearly the definition of Good and Evil in established religions has evolved over the past 2000 years. Might it continue to evolve further? Discuss.

8. In the SciFi novel, 1984, George Orwell paints a vision of a Totalitarian society in the future wherein all behavior and thoughts are censored and monitored by Big Brother. All individuality is condemned, punished, and ultimately erased. Does this sound familiar to you? Discuss.

9. If Satan is truly responsible for bad metal, why would he choose to spend so much of the mid 1990’s in Southern Florida?

10. Do you believe in personal responsibility? Why or why not?

11. If rock music is a cause of violence and immoral behavior, might we expect serial killers across the nation to have similar CD collections?

Listen, I know how much effort, talent, time and money my favorite bands and contemporaries put into their songs. I know how much thought and care go into creating albums with a deep purpose and positive message… albums that heal.. albums that give hope."

This is my friend Mat.  We see eye to eye on a lot of things.  I had the honor of giving him hugs when he's been way way down.  I've received hugs when I've made him feel all warm and fuzzy inside.  For as many times when my "mom side" has wanted to smack him for being stupid, my "friend side" just wants to sit down over coffee with him.  Today my heart breaks for my friend Mat because he may have finally hit the last straw as far as his music career is concerned.  He and his band brothers have lost everything to stupid, ignorant, selfish thieves.  It wasn't the monetary value of the things that will devistate these guys but the sentimental value.  

My friend Mat loves his guitar.  He's written and recorded a lot of songs with it.  Its been his companion for many years.  I've seen the tiny scratches, notes taped to the back, the wearing on the fretboard.  Now his beloved Gibson is in the hands of someone who could give a shit.  Someone who has no idea how well loved that instrument is and how the music that comes out of it makes people feel.  So I dedicate this blog to my friend Mat.  I hope you get to meet him some day.  I hope he finds his guitar.  I hope he and that guitar will fill your heart the way they have been filling mine for the past three years.  And if you meet my friend Mat, don't be scared.  It's just some added jewelry and lines drawn on his face.  His clothes are worn and need to be laundered, his hair is a disaster but under all that?  He's like you.  Just somebody who needs a little love.  Somebody who can usually use some food, a clean pair of socks and a hug.  I love you Mat.  Mom